Holiday Survival Tips for Sex Addicts

Whatever holidays you celebrate, the season running from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day can be emotionally and psychologically difficult, especially for people addicted to sex, who typically don’t deal so well with extra commitments and stressors. The fact that we’re bombarded in the media with idyllic Normal Rockwell-type imagery increases the burden. Even non-addicted people can struggle with this extra pressure to be perfect and joyful and loving and attentive and all the other stuff we think we’re supposed to be. And when we inevitably fall short of these idealized holiday expectations, we’re likely to experience guilt, shame, remorse, anxiety, depression and the like — all of which are emotions that people addicted to sex work very hard to escape and not experience via their addiction.

Whenever humans are confronted with uncomfortable emotions, the natural reaction is to seek comfort wherever possible. During the holidays, most people just grab an extra Christmas cookie or a glass of eggnog or, better yet, share what they’re feeling with a loved one who can help them work through it. But people addicted to sex, however, no matter how much sexual sobriety they have, are likely to experience the pull of their addiction in these moments. The justifications and rationalizations that these individuals employ to some degree can be more enticing than usual at this stressful time of year, as there are endless reasons to feel frustrated, lonely, left out or disappointed. As such, the desire to simply numb out and not “be present” with loved ones can seem incredibly powerful during the holidays.

How to Protect Your Sexual Sobriety During the Holidays

There are steps that people addicted to sex can take to protect themselves and their sexual sobriety during this trying time of the year. One of the best tools is a regular — perhaps multiple times daily — mindfulness check-in. Useful questions to ask yourself may include:

• Am I feeling isolated, left out, lonely, sad or angry?

• Am I keeping any sexual or romantic fantasies, ideas, plans or behaviors a secret?

• Have I recently contacted any former hookup partners or lovers?

• Am I drinking more alcohol than usual?

• Am I likely to run into past or potential sexual partners at a holiday celebration or event and, if so, do I have a healthy plan for dealing with this?

• Do I have idealized, possibly unrealistic expectations about the season or any upcoming events?

• Am I prepared to handle holiday disappointments and letdowns in healthy ways?

• Am I feeling impulsive or obsessive?

• Am I resting, eating well and generally taking good care of my physical, emotional and spiritual self?

This check-in (or your personalized version of it) is most useful if you can share it with a supportive loved one, a close friend in recovery, your sponsor or your therapist. These are the individuals who know you best and are most able to spot — and most likely to tell you about — any denial they hear in your answers.

Confirm Your Commitment to Recovery from Sexual Addiction

The holidays are also a great time to reaffirm your commitment to recovery and healing. Even though the season presents many time constraints — work parties, family parties, travel engagements, holiday pageants, extra shopping, baking, tree-trimming and more — you should likely increase rather than decrease how often you see your therapist and attend your support groups. You might even plan a specific outing or an extra meeting with your friends in recovery, during which each of you can talk about your holiday-related triggers and coping mechanisms.

Going back to the basics of recovery and healing is also a great idea. Early sobriety advice that’s proven useful in the past may be extra helpful during the holidays. When you’re feeling overwhelmed with holiday preparations, remind yourself that you can only do one thing at a time, and if you simply “do the next right thing” then the important stuff will get taken care of. And when you feel as if you’re being pulled in many directions at once and your anxiety level is high because of it, remember the slogan “easy does it,” which reminds you that you can’t possibly do it all and you shouldn’t try to. Then, with this clarity, you can prioritize and proceed with purpose.

Most of all, people addicted to sex need to remember that a main goal of being in recovery for sexual addiction is to connect or reconnect with other people, especially loved ones, and that the holiday season provides a great opportunity for this. You probably won’t do everything perfectly in this regard, but if you make the effort, your family and friends will love, appreciate and feel connected to you anyway. And that alone should make for a very happy holiday season.